This Drifting Excrement Was Far Too Symbolic! These Are the Television Letdowns of the Past Year.
As we reflect on the TV offerings of the past year, a handful of shows emerge not for their brilliance, but for their spectacular failures. From cringe-inducing spin-offs to confusingly bad docuseries, here are the programmes that left us utterly bewildered or simply reaching for the remote.
The 'Sex and the City' Sequel
Where to begin with this love/hate spin-off? Burdened with woeful scripts, painful character development (justice for Miranda!), and a paltry 71 seconds of beloved Samantha, the show struggled to justify its existence. For a moment, as the third series began, it looked like it had at last hit its stride. Then arrived an episode centered on Seema’s natural deodorant. Little surprise the creator announced this would be the last season. It concluded on a bum note; the lingering shot of Miranda’s toilet full of poo was simply too symbolic. Still, fans certainly found joy picking apart every single “what on earth?” episode. And as Carrie – once again single – danced around her palatial townhouse to Barry White, who didn’t let out a little sob?
All’s Fair
‘Can Kim Kardashian act? The answer is a resounding no.’
But that was almost the least of this drama's issues. The subject of a very rare zero star assessment, it was difficult to know where to start listing the problems. The hilariously wooden dialogue? The mind-numbing glorification of wealth and materialism? The almost wilful parade of tropes? Performances so bad they felt borderline spiteful? Let’s just say “all of the above” and forget about this series again. Except, a second season has been commissioned, so we’re likely going to have to.
AKA Charlie Sheen
Given the restraining orders, domestic violence allegations and fatherly failures, it’s fair to say Charlie Sheen has been a troubled figure. Not you’d really have gleaned it from this three-part documentary which chuckled along at Sheen’s various episodes of reckless hedonism while failing to tell us anything we didn’t already know. Rather, it felt as if this loose cannon was being pandered to, so any sympathy this show might induce should be saved for the people who have had to endure proximity with this charming but dismissive egotist.
The Supercomputer Drama
Naturally we understood it was preposterous from the get-go: a drama about a supercomputer known as Charlie Big Potatoes that could either save the world – or annihilate all of humanity. We persevered out of sheer admiration for its leads … but by the end, it felt like even they had stopped bothering. One barely cared when his character died, and the other ended up slicing Charlie with an axe … in painfully slow-motion. That's what you call admitting defeat.
MobLand
Dodgy figures meeting in deserted boxing gyms? The Prodigy’s Firestarter jackhammering away in club scenes? The late 90s called and wants its crime drama back.
In truth, that is harsh on the crime shows of the late 90s. Many seem a little old-fashioned now, but at least they didn’t endure the ignominy of having to indulge baffling dialects. But there were many other problems. Mainly that it was just really boring; a dispute over narcotics territory between various cockney rogues which seemed a bit basic.
With Love, Meghan
Given the extent to which she grinds the gears of the nation’s performatively enraged commentators, it’s temptingly easy to admire the Duchess of Sussex’s televised ventures into twee lifestyle as intentional statements. But then you watch them and are forced to concede that in this case, they may have a point. It’s like watching a homeware magazine animated; a poster for evening drinks with delusions of grandeur; a parade of sleeping dogs, buzzing beehives, Hallmark sayings and pointless crafting “tips” you’ll forget instantly. All supported by vast, mostly unearned wealth. Ugh.
The Beckham Documentary
There are clearly interesting things to be discussed about regarding Victoria Beckham and her struggles with career, identity, self-acceptance. But for some reason, this three-part series opted not to explore them. Instead, the experience was like reading a sales catalogue. She obviously has every right to bridle at what she describes as her “stern” image. But sadly, she didn’t do herself any helps with this cagey letdown of a series.
The Inheritance
It had the potential to be the next big hit – except even more extravagant, with a famous star playing dead and a well-known personality overseeing her inheritance. What more could you ask for? As contestants competed, there was plenty of backstabbing and squabbling. But the rules quickly became bewildering: it’s even now too confusing to explain what exactly was happening. Even more regrettably, we only saw glimpses of the star via filmed videos. The show ended up reeking of a production that was trying way too hard to emulate something far greater than it.
Too Much
How do you follow a show that captured a generation? The pressure was enormous for this starry romcom about Jessica, a hopeful New Yorker who lands in London with a broken heart. The lead actress took her biggest role by the horns and was a delight to watch, reveling in Jane Austen levels of romantic ideals. But it was all very glossy and, ironically, was not enough. Plus, the sheer amount of celebrity cameos involved felt icky.
The Sketch Show Return
Not even good enough to be ‘uneven’.
Given the shrewd recruitment of gifted younger comics, hopes were high. But unhappily, most of it fell flat. A particular sketch was a single joke stretched to a husk but recurring in every episode. One star seemed too willing to slip into a well-known ranting mode. The writing room sketches, in contrast, simply inspired the thought that they should probably have stayed in there a bit longer.
The Knox Dramatisation
This dramatisation of the story of Amanda Knox was overseen by Amanda Knox and pretty much solely showcased the perspective of Amanda Knox. So, while there undoubtedly is an interesting drama to be made about the tragic 2007 murder, this isn’t it. The subject matter needed to be handled with care. Instead, the series laboured awkwardly to find the right voice, lurching from oddly breezy, slightly mannered farce to inevitably, real-life horror. Complex? Perhaps. A complete mess? Absolutely.
The Maths Genius Thriller
We admire the star … but did we believe him playing the greatest maths genius since, a man so intelligent he’s on the brink of a discovery that could destabilise society? Nope! This globe-trotting thriller about secret services targeting – and eliminating – intellectuals honestly got more farcical by the second. Silliness-by-numbers.
1000 Men and Me: The Bonnie Blue Story
This hagiography followed the content creator renowned for explicit escapades as she prepared for her biggest challenge yet. What on earth would motivate her? What we craved was far greater interrogation of her actual psychology, plus those of the men in the line. They could at least have spoken to the legendary mum who appeared to haul her son away from the queue. What we got was horrific imagery and absolutely no interrogation of her infamy whatsoever. It's staggering to consider, the filmmaker has a young daughter too.